WRA-130 Ellie Jensen

Personally I feel that the introduction is dry and certain sentences feel out of place. I understand where she was trying to go with the layout of the initial paragraph but I feel like it could flow better with further revisions. I was taught throughout high school to the infamous “show not tell” so to read a blatant statement appears uncreative and not thoughtful. There are grammatical errors in word placement within several sentences. The history about basketball was intriguing however I was skeptical about her finding the original creation of basketball I feel like that’s something that could easily be construed. She gets off topic frequently with information that lags on the length of the paper. I appreciate her dedication she seems genuinely interested and concerned with the preservation and respect for women’s basketball, however, This is not an interesting piece to read.

She uses the fraise history of basketball far to frequent when we already know the title of this body paragraph. I find myself fazing in and out of this piece it doesn’t hold my interest. She explains the entire history of women’s basketball vaguely but in the next paragraph claims to tell how is started? I feel that in itself is redundant or repetitive. Classroom basketball has no relation to gender issues within a professional athletic sport. Injuries is true but those two issues are another paper on its own and have nothing to do with the original statement in the introduction. I feel like she could have cut out the classroom and injuries and go straight into the women’s basketball issues so the piece would flow more chronologically. Its as though she has two papers in one, the issue with basketball, and the issue with women’s basketball and they do not coincide smoothly within the paper.

My favorite paragraph is the loss of sight for what truly matters within the sport because it flows well, she makes logical and understandable points and its interesting and relatable, meaning its easy to see through her perspective. In her conclusions she does attempt a full circle touching briefly on all her body paragraphs but makes no relations between them other then the general topic of basketball and again I find myself saying this doesn’t flow well together. Also she criticizes the sport but the reminds us of its greatness yet poses no solutions to the issue that she presents. I did not think this paper was done well. I would not recommend another to read it.